Why do I never feel good enough?

"I don’t feel good enough". This is the most common phrase I encounter in the clinic room. Feeling not good enough can impact everything from work to relationships, and everything in between. But where does it come from? 

Where does feeling not good enough begin? 

From 0 to 18, we develop beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. When we endure criticism, rejection, or even heavy self-comparison, this then leads to a core belief about not being good enough. NCEs or Noxious childhood experiences build core beliefs. NCEs can include rejection from a parent, negative self-comparison with a sibling, or even bullying in school. 

How does a core belief affect me present day? 

When we feel not good enough, we fear vulnerability. More often than not, when we feel not good enough, this sparks feelings of being an ‘imposter’. Feeling like an imposter at work or in a relationship can feel that we need to put our guard up or people will see our biggest fear that we aren’t good enough and will reject us as a result. This fear of rejection is something we can carry with us constantly, and it is a heavy weight to carry. 

Due to fear of rejection and vulnerability, we adopt coping mechanisms to cover up or outrun that fear of vulnerability. This can look different to different people, but more often than not it can include self-sabotage. Feelings of guilt, blame, shame, being unlovable or imperfect can spark pleasing, avoidance, perfectionism, imitation, seeking reassurance, or even compulsive lying. In some cases, cheating or dishonesty can be the last resort to escape guilt or shame. 

What does this cost me? 

The biggest difficulty with feeling ‘not good enough’, is that you never allow yourself to be vulnerable or honest with the people around you, and this leads to isolation. Isolation and loneliness have been clinically proven to have a direct impact on our neurological patterns and brain function causing anxiety and depression. 

If you are interested in addressing any feelings of not being good enough please do get in touch.