The most wonderful time of the year? How to navigate boundaries at Christmas.
Although Christmas is a season associated with joy, it can also cause stress, anxiety and low mood. Family dynamics and external pressures such as financial pressure, reduced free time and relationship strain can yield a whole heap of anxiety. Often, poor boundaries - particularly over the Christmas period - can result in us feeling unwell, resentful, burnt out, exhausted, stressed and considerably less jolly than we would have otherwise been. Comparison and perfectionism also tend to surface more at Christmas due to the rise in social media posts and discussions (or even competition) with others over Christmas. We can also be left with a feeling a sense of responsibility for others' happiness over the festive season
One way to help protect your well-being and give yourself a much better chance of enjoying the Christmas season is to set some clear personal boundaries.
Personal boundaries help you to take care of yourself and protect your precious energy and attention. They help you filter what is acceptable or not acceptable in your life and make healthy choices for yourself. In this blog, I will share a technique I often use with clients to help navigate boundaries around social events.
Setting Boundaries at Christmas: How to say to no social invites
Often, we fear saying no to social invites in case it causes offence of conflict. More often than not, mind-reading creeps in. We may begin to worry that others will think we are rude or that we will let others down. The key to holding boundaries around invites is by kindly refusing without oversharing, all whilst gift wrapping it in empathy (no pun intended). The technique I encourage in this instance is called the Empathy Sandwich.
When using the empathy sandwich technique, we are neutralising conflict by incorporating listening skills and gratitude. We begin by thanking or acknowledging the invite, stating we are not able to make it and conclude with good wishes for the evening.
The Empathy Sandwich has three levels:
1) Acknowledgement - Opening with acknowledging someone is important because it opens up the line of communication and allows the other party to feel heard. Using statements such as ‘I understand, ‘I hear what you’re saying or ‘thank you for asking/saying that’
2) Set your boundaries- This is the section we state our boundaries, opinion or need. It is important in this section not to over-explain or over-share. This section should hold one sentence such as ‘I can’t make it’, ‘I can’t do that’ or ‘I would appreciate this to happen’. It is also helpful to consider what we are or are not willing to offer. For example ‘I can’t do this, but I can do this’. Setting boundaries allows you space to state directly what you can and can not provide.
3) Express gratitude and appreciation – In this section, we close off with gratitude and appreciation. This honours our values of empathy and consideration. This could sound like ‘thank you for taking the time to ask’, ‘I appreciate you thinking of me’ or ‘I’ll look forward to seeing you next time’. Closing off a conversation with appreciation neutralises mindreading that we were ‘rude’ or ‘unlikeable’ as we have direct evidence to contradict that assumption through our considerate language.
The empathy sandwich can be used for a number of situations, such as handling difficult conversations or managing expectations, not just social invitations. While it can be a particularly useful tool for the festive period, you can, of course, put It to use at any time of the year!
Helpful tip: If you find it difficult to exert boundaries with certain people, I would recommend beginning with drafting out a text or email and working up to communicating face to face.
Thank you for reading - I wish you a peaceful Christmas.
